Diary of a Suicide: Part 7

February to April, 2016

Another completely irrelevant goddam post picture… sex!

In some ways this could be called "Diary of an Alcoholic". I have known that I was an alcoholic since I was 25 years old—years before this was written, and this was written (the diary entries) some 10 years before today. I am so much of an alcoholic that I wrote (in my diaries) about it for over 30 years.

I realize now how much just talking of drinking is a trigger to drinking.

February 5, 2016

Took gabapentin & lorazepam and beer - then took more.¹

Where's the fear come from?

What am I afraid of? Is it just being wrong? What is that source.

~

Later: Dizziness - not severe. Unsteadiness - not severe. Pain - not reduced. Giddiness. ? Physical: Lethargic. Mind: okay.

Overall a "funny feeling" in muscles. Standing & holding arms out are steady, Walking causes dizziness.²

I took even more - another pregabalin [?], 4 more lorazepam.

Felt nothing - and then fell asleep.

|There exists in mental health treatment "a doctor's law" that alcoholics if treated with narcotics* of any kind--benzodiazepines for example--they will abuse them. I have stories to tell. I solely depended on the individual. I am been prescrived these medications at various times during my diary years, and although I have not recorrded the result in full, I retain my memories of them.

When taking any of these medications they have never instilled in me any urge to "eat more" as one doctor described I would, litterally simulating tipping a prescriptoin bottle into his mouth. There is no "high" induced in me by narcotics. I am sure that will be seen as me not being honest by some.

If I am not being honest in my diaries written at the time as a personal never to be even let known that I am doing so state; if I am not being honest here where I an recording some of the most embarrasing parts of my life to who knows how many strangers...

As these diary entries indicate I have experimented - very un-scientifically, of course - with medications; and I have taken some with alcohol - the results of my experimentations with taking more than prescibed, or of mixing with alcohol, results in, as written: falling asleep.

Wake up ~ [approx.] 9:00. Feel "It" in my muscles - pain not gone! "It" is a weird feeling [of] slight (very) warmth. Ringing in my ears- Also, my fear is gone.

~

Yeah, I have *normal* feelings of doubt. But it's not overwhelming FEAR.

~

By 10:00 How [my] heart is throbbing and slight trembling - but I had coffee!

Noon

Did some mindless Windows work til noon. Took meds, ate bannana, feel good in [my] head; body still tapering off booze and probably all the extra meds I took.

1:30

Now I'm tired

April 3, 2016

How it starts.

"The Cause" has (almost) always been the onset of a dreadful PA [panic attack], one that is severely painful, one that will last all day, one for which 'the trigger' was always unknown. "The Unknown Fear."

This one started at noon. And, after imagining the many ways I can go to get some ETH (ethanol), I decided on an experiment: 2mg of lorazepam.³

But this time there was a difference in that I noticed "the trigger."

I was working on a - shall we say - "creative work" - and I started getting confused. Slowly at first, then in ever increasing intensity - confusion at the work I had been doing. It started to no make sense, ending in a sense of loss.

That what just the first part of "The Trigger." The confusion, the loss, led to self-doubt, the doubt of my work - in this case something I had been working on for years - doubt of my ability, doubt that none of what I had been working on for these many years are any good.

Then I lost all hope. The final part of "The Trigger" that "Triggered" the panic attack.⁴

The process of thinking about how, where, what, alcohol, took many minutes. And toward the end of it - though it hasn't really ended, but split up into little phantom pieces - a bit of a voice cam to me: "Take a step back. Look for alternative routes."

(TV, a TED talk, is interfering, as I go back and forth to watching and writing - it's a good talk. I am loathe to turn it off ?? .)

And that's when I thought, "Let's see what 2mg of lorazepam will do? What effect will it have on my body precisely at this moment in time?"

At forty minutes in, nothing.

"You're problem is GABA," a Dr. once told me. (He didn't elaborate though, and we weren't seeing eye to eye at that point so I dismissed it as just more "Dr. Control Speak." And still do.⁵)

I go off on a tangent here, with the hope that writing about it now will provide some sense of anxiety, panic treatment.

GABA protagonists, like diazepam [Valium] and lorazepam [Ativan], etc. are supposed to have a calming effect. [Benzodiazepines.]

(I overheard a nurse saying to a colleague, "Taking a couple of benzos is like taking a drink." For me, that is BS; but, anyway...)

And while some doctors will not prescribe "Benzos" to an alcoholic because of this "Benzo is like a drink: and will just make the patient want more and to abuse them.

(One doctor, when telling me this mimicked someone pouring an imaginary bottle of pills into his mouth. Another nurse said to me that prescribing "could be considered negligence.")

To me, I just looked at the "anti-anxiety effect" [anxiolytic] and really wanted to try, and over the years, usually inpatient doctors, I finally started on the .5mg 2x a day, later 3x a day. But that didn't have any effect on me. None. (But in my mind that just meant up the dose. No one listened.)

Also during this time a doctor said to me that the idea was to have a steady, low-level [dose] all day.

Then I finally found a doctor who listened to my story. (And did not have that, "All alcoholics cannot be trusted," feel to them that I have encountered so often.) And eventually we agreed to diazepam - 20mg 2x (or 3x ?). But after a month or two that didn't seem to help.

At this point something "about me" may be of interest—but just enough to understand my interest in medication. See #Essay.

(I once took 60mg of [the] diazepam just to see what would happen - I fell a sleep. It was evening and I was a little tired.)

Then we went with lorazepam, 1mg 3x. Still nothing. Four months later 4x [per day]. Anxiety lessened. Panic attacks were less often. I was getting our more.

I am a photographer. I had my work in a show - many people liked them - I sold five.

I somehow got the courage up to talk to a shop owner who carried artist's works. He hung six. Three of them sold

But in all this time I would still get anxiety attack[s] out of the blue - not know why. And, although, less, PAs. [Panic Attacks]

For me [during this period], I never really did have a "craving" for alcohol - the times when I drank was to suppress a PA - for that [the alcohol], so far, has been the only thing that stops them.

My Panic Attacks are, contrary to the standard description, not just a few minutes a day. They are hours. They are all day. And I'm in real pain and suffering and I can't stand it. And then is when I think about drinking - knowing that it WILL make it go away.

All the "Coping Tools" told to us like, "going for a walk", "listening to music", "calling a friend", "eating some ice cream", do not work for me.

Deep breathing exercise makes thing worse. Eating ice cream may be a pleasurable experience but my body's reaction to the huge spike in blood sugar is not.

Maybe it's just me, or, as I believe now, a class of people like me. Those who have been diagnosed with the Big Three of anxiety conditions: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder.

And this means "The anxiety of doing." Which includes all "the coping tools" themselves: going for a walk, listening to music, making phone calls, going to the store, CAUSES anxiety. THINKING about these things CAUSES anxiety.

Anxiety and panic for short duration is normal for many people: "Do I have my key?" "Is the stove still on?"

But those like me whose just thinking about "The Doing" have an Anxiety Disorder - a cause of anxiety and panic on top of our "normal" anxiety and panic.

A possible way out. It is now 2 hours later - and I took 1mg more [lorazepam] and 20mg baclofen[I had not written anything about that; obviously a doctor prescribed it at one point.] 1/2 hour after the first does. Some of the panic symptoms have lessened.

But in addition to the meds I've been writing this. Writing focuses the mind. (Eliminating most "Ruminations" from occurring.)

The "Panic Symptoms" of overall pain, the feeling of "ooze" emanation down the arms and the HR [heart rate] have all lessened - slightly.

2:30

I lie down to rest. Wake at 4:11. Panic Attack. [OW.?] My HR is a bit stronger than usual - or perhaps I mean my BP [blood pressure] is higher than usual. My tinnitus is also higher than usual.

April 4, 2016

3:15pm

It's not a bad PA, but it is one. I am trembling in fear is the only way to describe it.

So, 2mg or lorazepam, 20mg baclofen...

For, if my theory's correct, the small doses of lorazepam spread out all day, does not prevent [a] PA - then the using of a larger doses at the onset just might.

And 2 hours later the PA is nearly gone. Just have a case of anxiety.

Interesting.

April 5, 2016

11:00

After getting ready for Appt. - shower, dress, etc. - my heart started 'palpitating against my ribs'.[] Breathing was difficult - although i had gone up and down the stairs a couple of times.

All the physical aspects of a PA, but not with the full fear part.

(2/20 [pills] in pocket) Walked 20 minutes down the cold and windy street to cafe - still bad. Bowl of soup and things sort of went up/dn. (Fluctuations in my heart rate occur frequently, especially when I'm eating.)

11:40

Even w/o anxiety/panic I'm physically [a] wreck. But nearing noon. HR down by half, 1/4 more will be back to normal.

~

12:30

Arrived at appt. and still waiting a bit before knocking.

Am [in] my steady state of low anxiety.

April 6, 2016

9:00am

(Throat is finally only slightly uncomfortable.) Just the normal, general anxiety state, despite all the shit still in my head over what happened [and] my response to what happened - and the realization of how I could have easily fixed the problem.⁶

No meds yet.

April 7, 2016

9:00

Woke up in a really bad PA. What can I say was the fucking trigger!

Yesterday was pretty mild. Did laundry, when to the mall, bought Windows 10. Felt a PA coming on and took 2/20 which kept it back. Got home and did the computer thing... And it was OK.

Except, well... Right before I went to bed and

There's something there. I wanted to finish that sentence but, struggling for the right words as we all do, my mind blanked, could not write, could not think. Stuck. Something was holding me back.

I was going to say how I felt right before going to sleep, of a kind of hopeless despair. Of a no-good-rotten-to-the-core feeling.

And that's it?
Isn't it?
Yes.

This was a 3/20 morning.

10:00

Back to normal enxiety. I can go out.

Addendum

This might seem "duh" to most, but for those who struggle with "Mental Illness:, sometimes simple things as cause! One need to learn "real world" coping skills:

- organizations
- a place for paperwork bills, medical results, etc.
- if you can't pay a bill, pay something, even call them
- open all bills and keep them together
- if you can't pay, call, tell them you will, etc.
- careful with money; buy yourself something just once a month

April 15, 2016

Like *a sober cut.*

One of the things with addiction is association. Associating sensory input with an emotional event - whether good or bad, such as a winning score in a game, a first passionate kiss, car accident, etc. - is human. It's part of the brain's inner workings.

Addictive associations interfere with - or steers, moves, controls - behavior.

Something high on the emotional scale good or bad, immediately followed by *using* makes an association a connection.

I once wrote, "So this I will not forget," as an association with a cut.

The worst part of PTSD is disassociation. Something high on the EMO scale is immediately followed by disassociation - blackout, forgetting - and for an addition, followed by using for hours or days in a blackout.

Waking after with only vague and fleeting bits of memory - sometimes such memories intrude days, weeks, months later.

One type of purposeful associations is to suppress a negative event/feeling.

Something bad happens and me [?] turns to a substance like alcohol to "make it go away".

Something bad happens and you go out and deliberately get drunk to the point of passing out.

Deliberate. Knowingly or unknowingly, "I" think and pick up, or, "Brain" takes over and picks up for you. (Freud)

I just took a shot of whiskey to deliberately, soberly, make an association.

I just remembered that I had a dozen or so photos of which I was particularly proud, and that software error⁷ deleted them all.

That is a bad feeling. A trigger. Immediately my brain wanted to disassociate - a thought of a drink instantly occurred.

"No!" I said to myself. "I can't do that anymore!"*

But wait, I continued. I am in control. Usually I am not.

So, for better or ill, I deliberately made a connection with this: I can just go back the the place and retry those photos! I do not need to hide/run/suppress this feeling/memory, I can do something about it. Change by behavior. And I got a shot of whiskey to "mark" this "event!"

Sometimes I write shit and then cross it out later on.

April 16, 2016

This is the worst trigger there is: Posting (to someone) on social media!

FUCK! Don't Do That!

April 16, 2016

I drank yesterday. One day sober, and then I drank.

But it was a deliberate, intentional act, done not out of fear, but out of want. I was sitting, writing, and it just popped into my head to go grocery shopping and to buy some books.

I ended up buying GoT [Game of Thrones] first season for $40! Then with the thought of "just one beer" I went to a restaurant. Had a bee and an appetizer. Then had a trigger! And debate over it lead to a whiskey.

Later at home despair at having spent too much money and then drank while sober and without anxiety!

I was in a state kind of without reasoning. An idea popped into my head and I went directly off and did it.

And I sat there struggling over this lack of reason I had.

The next trigger came on slow and steady, revolving around another association: drinking and watching a movie!

And I went out, purposefully, and got a six-pack and watched the first six episodes of GoT.

Now it's mid-afternoon and I crave fresh vegetables.

And my body in panic mode, again the thought of beer comes to me when all moring I've been telling myself, "No more beer! No more beer!"

And now, though not a "pop", the idea I have is to get some kind of good salad or something - and a smaller amount of beer.

It's a slowly gathering idea - which is how it usually is.

Excuses

Like, "I just need a little bit of beer to take the edge off of the body's reacting to all the alcohol of yesterday."

Like, "I just need a little to taper off."

And it's rare that I do not follow through these formative ideas.

April 17, 2016

When I was in the 4th grade I overheard a boy say: "You know that feeling you have when you are scared. I love that feeling."

I was perplexed at that, thinking it must be wrong. An image came to mind of that kid having done something awful - exactly what not clear - with him hiding in the bushes trembling in fear of what he had done. And smiling.

I am. have been, reminded of that now (and have been meny times) as I am sitting here awash in such a feeling - I used to hate it and it would compel me to drink!

But now, knowing exactly the cause, I'm struggling with, "ignore," "let it happen," "deal with it," and "I like this."

I had written in the margin:
It is disgusting how MSNBC covers only the presidential race and leaves all other news behind.

April 20, 2016

10:00am

Really bad PA! It came on quite slowly. Morning I was fine, barely any anxiety. I started programming again and started some cool stuff and my thoughts went to updating the online archive (hosting site) and documenting the design - it's good points, AND it's poor points.

And that started typical apprehension, tension and anxiety associated with "social networking" and communicating with other people.

Which has been increasing in intensity 'till now's really bad PA.

My heart rate and blood pressure is maxed out. Trembling terribly. Paranoia is severe.

Fucking worst PA every.

I want to drink!

But guess what, I was prescribed Ritalan, 20mg 2x, and that did nothing - i.e. no effect, and after 4 or 5 days I took both one morning and that had no effect! Next day same.

This morning, after drinking quite a but yesterday (fuck! more later...) I took 2-1/2 Ritalin and had no food yet and had a cup of coffee.

The total combination of things:

- drinking night before
- no food
- coffee
- "social" anxiety (self-induced)
- 50mg of Ritalin

could vey well be the reason/cause of such a severe PA.

Also skipped both Baclofen and lorazepam this morning. Took Rit. about 8:00am - rise of PA was acute, starting about 9:30am.

Just took (10:15) 3mg Lor. 10mg Bac. But I want to fucking drink.

|Looking back upon this now, I was and had been prescribed a lot of medications over the years, especially these years I have been writing about. Says (at least) two things: doctors where just throwing shit at me; and nothing was working! Things are different (and better) now, but you have to wait 9 more years to find out how/why!

Oh, yesterday's drinking was: "Because I wanted to," as it was an anxiety low day. The previous day was too and I did not drink.

Yesterday's alcohol was nip about 10:00, glass whiskey (bar) about 12:15 and six-pack about 3:00pm which I drank over 3 hours - and I got near blackout drunk after I finished the last bottle (it was a 4-pack of 9% beer, so that means it was fairly fast/sharp increase in BAL - which is the alcoholic's worst enemy.

Now, at 10:40am - half hour to write this! And 15/20 minutes after Lor. the PA is still at it's peak. Writing about this this time has been no help.

All the things I do that are detrimental to my well being I have done over 24 hours.

The answer must be-

April 20, 2016 continued

2:00pm

Panic Attack much less!

Took 4th 1mg Lor. ~ 10:50 though (just in case). Ans ate a little bit of food. (carrot and 3 strawberries)

So, looks like PAs are to be treated by 3 or 4mg *Lor. as a PRN.*

3:00pm

Anxiety going up as I think about going to P-P Group (People!) and about what I will do walking past the liquor store that is next to it.

April 21, 2016

11:00am

Drinking. What can I say.

I'm just not ready yet.

Fuck.

April 24, 2016

Two days sober, and all was pretty good. Fuck. I hope it lasts.⁸

It's the whole body, isn't it. Yes, I am reminded as I had a P&B sandwich for breakfast and my "anxiety" sky rockets, while for a couple of hours after waking I was fine. (Think I had some bean soup.) I am also overheated - sweating.

Later, took 2mg lorazepam, 20mg Ritalin, and 10mg Baclofen. And later feel much better. And right after I wrote this - while eating a small, plain yogurt, my anxiety jumps up! WTF?

---

Essay

Imagine having a phobia, a phobia is like having to leave a safe space to a maybe unsafe space—something bad can happen. Whether real or not does not matter. If you see a snake and you freeze in fear, your physiological response is the same if the snake turns out to be a stick.

My base level of comfort is lower than yours, for one thing, and snakes are everywhere. The first aspect makes for just being called shy, or anxious, the second makes for a bit of constant pain. Constant pain that increases or decreases depending on how many snakes there are in the room.

I have been trying to explain that to doctors for a long time, and I know that medication can help, as I have tried to explain for a long time, to "calm me down."

I don't like distracting from my diary so long, but, maybe it will keep some of you from dismissing me as "just a (hopeless) drunk". Benzodiazepines are central nervous system depressants and each (of the many variants) differ in how long they last--each differ in the time for half of the dosage to disappear from your body, it's "half life". Some will be prescribed 10-20 milligram doses, some 0.1-1mg doses. For all new medications a doctor prescribes they will be at the recommended smallest dose. That is why it's, "Try it at this dose and come back in 30 (or 60) days."

The other aspect of this is that people differ. Not just genetically but physically and lifestyle—amount of exercise, food intake, etc.

Alcohol, as a drug, is also a depressant and can have similar anxiolytic and sedative effects—however the similarities end there. For me, alcohol completely changes my personality; with diazepam I get a little sleepy—that's a big fucking difference.

1. I do get how insane much of this writing is. It’s kinda the point—to document the insanity of an alcoholic.

2. I should record the state of my handwriting as indicative of my state of probable intoxication. And here it's kinda icky, probably influenced by medication.

3. Here is the thing about lorazepam, a.k.a. Ativan, it is prescribed in very low doses, like 0.5mg twice a day. That is too low of a dose for most people.

4. All this/that goes directly back to my childhood, to quite specific, "things", constant, years long little "events" that feel even now feel with their memory like little stabs of pain. Fuck.

5. I think I was wrong though and that he was on the correct path; that was then, this is now...

6. Unfortunately I do not remember what that was about. Reading more, some of it comes back. I think I know now. It was bad.

7. A terrible error of a bad “user interface” allowed me to unknowingly format my computer’s entire hard drive! Long story. I do not what to tell more.

8. It didn't. During those years it never did.